Friday, March 20, 2009

mulling things over

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Looking around, thinking, evaluating clutter, thinking, running around, and thinking.  Among a few other things.  I'm having lots of thoughts about what happens next.  My job probably will end in about a year and a half...where do I go then?  It's part and parcel for being a government contractor, and this is quite a bit of notice for the government, so it's not that I'm complaining.  It's just...I'm finally getting settled into life here, and I'm not ready to leave.

I have it pretty good here.  I have flexible hours, understanding bosses, family nearby, a great school, wonderful friends, an awesome house, a job I'm good at (usually) that (often) allows for thinking outside the box, decent pay, a short commute, full benefits, access to the water...I could go on and on.  Yeah, I whinge about things from time to time, but that's just whingeing.  It's what happens now and then.

For the most part I have a really good life here with my son.

I'm starting to get a bit strung-out over the job-ending thing, though.  I'm feeling panicky about paying off debt and getting my daily expenses down.  I'm getting antsy about getting rid of the clutter I don't want, need, or use.  I feel an enormous need to pare down my and Kiddo's things to a much smaller, more manageable volume.

And I want to run away sometimes.  But that's more from running around like a crazy person all day, every day, week after week.

I guess you could say I feel an unconscious need to lighten the load.  Like I'm preparing for something.  But I don't know what it is.  I don't feel a need to get rid of my weaving loom, or my spinning wheels, but I feel like my yarn stash is too big, I have more books than I really want to keep, I have too many unnecessary dishes, clothes, and just...stuff.  I removed an entire paper-box (like offices get reams in) of toiletries and products and stuff from the bathroom closet the other felt good.

I crave simplicity.

And in the process of all this, I found I'm not so much into reading blogs anymore.  There are three that I look at daily now, where before there were dozens.  I keep thinking my life is too boring to blog, and find myself going yet another day without a post.  I'm introverting (is that verb-able?) and withdrawing from a lot of the social things I was doing, while still maintaining and enjoying a few select social activities.  I'm limiting my projects to far fewer UFOs than I've ever had at one time, yet still starting the ones I adore and ripping the ones that don't make me happy.  (And of all weirdness EVER - I miss the NeverEnding Torso Sock?!?)

There's so much going on in my head...all the thinking and ideas and things I want to do.  And I can't get to most of it.  There's too much other stuff to do.  I don't feel right giving it all to you guys.  I don't even know all your names, yet I tell you so much!  (I won't get into what it's like to have one comment per 100 blog hits on a regular basis...and not even know who most of the readers are.) I'm not thrilled that I can't email commenters back directly (Thank you, Blogger), and I don't always have a good way to answer in a post.  Comments always seem to make me smile, though, because someone took a minute or two to type out a few words in return.

Maybe doing a bit of wool-dyeing this weekend, and making some lovely cheerful colors will improve my disposition.


Mel said...

Oh Big....In some ways I understand so well. I simplified my life and the clutter by moving frequently, but that is not something I recommend, especially with the kiddo. And you are lucky that you got so much notice, my job has been letting people go day of notice. Pins and needles much?

As for the introverting....I think that happens when you get stressed and tired from running and running and needing to find time for yourself. I do too much of it, but maybe it is time for you to do a little. Pulling back is not a bad thing and maybe it will help you focus.

As for stuff...just remember that it is just that..STUFF. It does not define you as a person, but it can control you. Miss you and the rugrat.



Monica aka Gloria Patre said...

I concur with Mo ... introverting is is thinning out clutter... until you go looking for something you need and suddenly remember where it is... or "was" and now it's gone (d'oh!) LOL! It's good to keep your eyes and ears open... sooner or later the next job will come by... it may be a step up or a step down (hopefully not) but you-know-Who is looking out for you...