I'm having a ...weird...time resuming blogging.
It's been so long, I've gotten out of the habit, yet I have 5 million and 12 things I want to write. And here it is bedtime again.
One of the things I did while offline was to learn to take better care of myself. I was biking (in the basement at Mom's), doing some weightlifting in small amounts, and trying to eat better. I was also treating bedtime as sacred - not to be disturbed, changed, or otherwise interrupted from its normal time. And I was feeling better. I was regaining energy, muscle, and losing a little of the excess weight I put on over the last two years.
Because I have not been at my healthiest the last few years.
The weight is only one, outwardly visible sign of what's been going on, and I've not talked about it here much, besides the occasional comment about migraines, tiredness, and inability to exercise properly. When you throw it all together, and take it to a doctor (or 10), it gets called fibromyalgia.
There. I said it.
(The linky above is a fabulous source of information, if you or someone you know has fibro. It was a great starting point for me in learning how to deal with myself.)
The fact that I've been exercising at all has been amazing to me. Every time I've tried something in the last few years I spent a week feeling like I've been hit by a truck. Or I'll feel like I did a major leg workout the previous day, just by walking up the stairs. Every day. Without the leg workout.
I won't get into the specifics, it's enough to know that in general, on any random day, I can feel like I have the flu (aches, pains, fatigue, etc.), and good days are not like old times, when I could bike like a banshee and still go rollerblading after dinner before my swim. Now I work out with 2-lb weights, bike gently with a heart-rate monitor, and walk around the neighborhood.
The good news is that this relatively light exercise is, indeed, helping me slowly start to return to the pants I wore when I moved here three years ago. Very slowly. Very very slowly. I am also learning patience (don't laugh!). I am not Superwoman. I cannot do everything. I can't even try anymore.
But life is good.
I don't need to do everything. I no longer even want to do everything. It's OK with me. I'm learning to enjoy today (Not something I was ever good at before).
So why am I telling you all this?
But I think it's that I want you to know a little more of who I am. This is a part of me now. Something I take into consideration every day. It doesn't mean that I can't do what I want, that I have to love life in a bubble and avoid activities I love. It does mean that I make more careful choices, weigh the options, and pursue only my passions, try to keep more in line with my priorities. It's not OK with me to lose a day fulfilling a social commitment to please someone else. It's not OK with me to reschedule my life to take care of someone else's poor planning. It's not OK with me to feel forced into an obligation I did not and do not choose.
It's all about choices.
I choose to blog. I choose to share with you. I choose to live my life by my priorities, not by the expectations of others. I have limited energy and resources, why would I choose to squander them in ways that I don't find fulfilling or worthwhile?
If you had to look at your schedule, your lists, and cut your activities down to fraction of what they are now, what would you choose to keep? What would you not think twice about rejecting? Why?
That's where I am.
Why keep wasting time, energy, and resources on what doesn't make your short list?